July 25, 2008

Lose Five Pounds In Five Days: The Club Junkie's Way

In just five easy steps:
  1. Don't sleep. When not at the club, keep yourself awake and busy by working a day-job that doesn't pay you nearly as much as you deserve.
  2. Gain the little carb intake you want from comp'd drinks.
  3. Go to the gym at least four times a week and run on the treadmill for at least 3 hours.
  4. Take your smoking habit to a new non-social level.
  5. Black coffee = breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Tip: Develop a dangerous, illegal habit.

You'll wake up in a few days and voila! you're tiny. The proof will be in the party pics!

And now, because I'm fresh out of sarcasm and am feeling too shitty to write something of more substance, I leave you with UMBC-recommended shit to do!

Saturday, July 26th
Poplife @ White Room (click for flyer)
Live performance from Astari Night
2-4-1 drinks before 12, doors open at 10

Monday, July 28th
Featuring the best works of students from the DASH summer program
Snacks served! 6 - 7:30 p.m.
DASH Gallery, 4141 N.E. 2 Ave
(Fuck the M-DCPS budget cuts, support the arts! And after you do that, drop your pants for...)

Exposure @ White Room (click for Krystle's flyer and panty flyer)
Krystle's birthday/Miami's panty party!
2-4-1 drinks 10-11 and 3-4

Speaking of Exposure, check out this sexy promo video Andrews Lorenzana made:

See you bitches at the clubbbb!

July 19, 2008

Irritable Line Syndrome

So I'm mostly over going to the beach clubs (except I have yet to go to Aero). Why? Because of dumb semi-predictable shit like last night. In case you were sleeping under a rock, Jamie Lidell performed last night for a map magazine/Poplife event. I'm not quite sure of the exact people who were promoting this but they did a damn good job. It also couldn't have been too hard considering this is like, the ultimate Poplife weekend with the aforementioned anniversary party tonight in my last post. Now, let me begin my bitching.

I headed out on my way to Heathrow from home around 11. I got to Heathrow at 12:30 due to being stuck in standstill traffic on the causeway. Literally standstill. I would've taken a picture cause it looked crazy, but I didn't have the camera. I rolled down the windows, blasted a Designer Drugs mix and sat on the hood of my parked car for a good fifteen minutes. Turns out there was some shitty accident up ahead near the fork on the side for Alton Road. So I arrived at the place with melty-makeup and frizzed hair. Of course, ten minutes after standing in line to say that I'm a +1, the goddamn fire marshal rolls up. One of the girls at the door tells me that there's alarm trouble on the inside and that they've reached max capacity (400-something). The doors were then closed, and no one was allowed in (unless you were buying a minimum of two bottles). I stayed out there for quite some time to try to make that shitty wait on the bridge worth it, but eventually just was annoyed enough to get my car and drive to The Vagabond where I had some friends already and to meet some people who were leaving Heathrow.

Dear Miami Beach, why must you be shitty to me every time I see you? Can't we just be friends and get along?

And I'm not going to go on and on about this 'cause I kind of already did to like, the world but -- what the FUCK was up with 2 Live Crew deciding to sell out for the show at White Room on Thursday? And why was The Vagabond empty? This past Thursday downtown was the shittiest and most surprising yet.

Whatevers, today's outcome will be on the other side of the spectrum. See you tonight at White Room!

July 17, 2008

Suggested Reading

No no, I'm not telling you to skim-read through To Kill A Mockingbird over your summer vaycay. Check out this article.

SO! With that said, another reminder for this Saturday! Be sure to show up and give your extended hispter/indie family huggles at the Poplife 9 Year Anniversary at White Room. For those of you who aren't into the "scene" (for lack of better description), it's a really big deal to be able to keep an ongoing party up for even a year or two. Especially in the ever-picky metropolis of Miami.

I'll include myself in the aforementioned picky. Personally, in retrospect it gets me kind of warm n' fuzzy on the inside. I've met most of my close friends at random Poplife nights, and always look forward to toting along someone who has never been before. I can name my favorite usual people that I KNOW will be there on my hands (more than once). Aw.

 I extend a high-five to Barbie and Aramis. Come celebrate and get down to Free Blood with all of us! Click here to purchase your $15 ticket from Wantickets.com.

Sidenote: UMCB has an e-mail and AIM screenname available now! If you ever need to contact me for any reason, just shoot me some formatted Unicode at misslix.umcb@gmail.com or talk shit with me on AIM using misslixtheumcb. I expect to hear from someone soon!

July 15, 2008

"My Beautiful Mommy" and Another Monday Night Past

"A must-have for any mother with young children considering plastic surgery."

Only in America can we have plastic surgeons publish children's books in which the cosmetic plastic surgery process is defined, explained and made out to be an extremely nonchalant change. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It seems as though that M.D. Michael Salzhauer is testing all of us. It seems mostly like a good idea to me. I mean, I can imagine it would be crazy-difficult to explain to little Susie how and why Mommy went up a cup and a half over a school day. Salzhauer uses the elementary cliché caterpillar-to-butterfly comparison from what I can tell by flipping through some of the pages digitally on the official website. The only thing that worries me is why wasn't Mommy beautiful from the start? That, and what the FUCK is going on with the illustrations? Dramatized and glamorized, much? Look at that woman's waistline! And she's surrounded by glittery-wooshy things. Of course. When I have my tatas done, I'll demand the surgical staff to wave sparklers around them...

I'd make this a much more ranty and long post, but I'm dead worn from the events (or lack thereof) of last night. In short, it was one of the best nights of music at Exposure @ White Room yet on top of DJ Blaqstarr MC/DJ-ing. And flirtatiously inviting me to Denny's and then Hotel Victor. Pictures, as always, can be found here and here.

I work mornings every goddamn day till Saturday (I think), so I'm probably not going to be partying too hard this week.* What I will definitely be doing?

Thursday, July 17th
Money$hot @ The Vagabond (click for flyer)
Free before 12am, $10 after
30 NE 14th St

Saturday, July 19th
Poplife's 9-Year Anniversary (!!!) @ White Room (click for flyer)
Tickets available for $15 online
1306 N. Miami Ave

I'm also going to be sharing my favorite song of the moment with you guys:

* This is a lie.

July 8, 2008

Gameboy/Gamegirl at Poplife at White Room Review

Another delayed post.

This past Saturday at Poplife, the Australian electro group Gameboy/Gamegirl was booked for a show. Honestly, I had never heard their stuff beforehand so I was feeling pretty accepting no matter what. The kids pretty much had a slightly more extreme-looking "I got this granny jacket at Goodwill for $3"-look in comparison to a lot of the people I see in the usual downtown scene (feel free to rank on me regarding "usual downtown scene" at any point if you were there and saw me wearing my American Apparel rouched tube dress).

The main room remained pretty empty for maybe the first half of a song or so, but soon quickly filled up. Quite honestly, the lot of their songs seemed like looped samples that they just Uffie-style sang-talked over. A technical difficulty, ripped pant leg and exposed-and-drawn-on-fatty-tummy later from them, a few beats were catchy in the end. Unfortunately for the most part I just leaned there against the booth and kept thinking about the time and cost of the flight from Australia to the 305 for this.

I had a chance to meet up and talk with them afterward and tell them that they did indeed act pretty enthusiastic on stage and that the performance itself was enjoyable. I promised an add on MySpace and proceeded to continue dancing with my peoples while Miami Horror's set (not to be mistaken for being from here, also originates from Down Under with GB/GG) was going. Which I enjoyed more that the main showcase.

And now still and motion media from my super sophisticated Canon point-and-shoot:

Gameboy/Gamegirl performing on stage at White Room

Here's some quick UMCB-suggested reading from my boo Duran down at the Miami New Times. Although it's not an after-show review (which you should keep checking back for), it definitely speaks another unmentioned facet of why I'm not too sure about GB/GG.

And for photography that actually clearly shows the show/my extended hipster family, you ought to keep on the New Times site and look at the slideshow or my favorite party pic site, The Popness Party.

A nice picture of Duran and I.
Justin Namon/Miami New Times

P.S. As mentioned before, UMCB will be undegoing some changes in content. As of today, MAJOR changes. My tastes have changed as well as what I do on a daily basis. In example, compare this post to the Victoria's Secret PINK Rally at the Raleigh event coverage way earlier.

July 4, 2008

Happy Fourth!

Sorry for the extreme lack of posts NOT having to do with my ex-boyfriend and his new boyfriend. I'm going to start making myself update with a kind of schedule, like a review every Thursday, fashion news every Monday, etc. That'll probably make me stay on top of things.

Otherwise ladies (and gents?) I've been partying my brains out to the point where I wake up with a headache I don't care that much about every morning.

Oh and I pretty much just don't hang around South Beach anymore -- it's really just full of super-old rich douchebaggy foreign guys that want to take you back to their room at one of the trendy boutique hotels. You usually find me at the following clubs/lounges/bars: White Room, The "Vag" Vagabond and PS14. The scope is a little wider that that, but those are the places that are all within walking distance of each other. That, and I don't have to run around with what used to be a library card that has a bad picture of me and states that I am a black haired, brown eyed, 5'7" 21-year-old from Nevada.

Either way, enjoy yourselves today. Whatever you do, don't be lame and wear our nations colors/patterns unless you're going to be in a damn parade. My mom used to dress me like the flag when I was four. Here are some events going on tonight in the 305 just in case you have nothing to do. And they'll all be from the non-Downtown area as a bellyrub for me dissing stuff from the beach. It's mostly the Opium Group I'm hating on. C'mon, there's no excuse NOT to go out when you have two grand openings:

The Nikki Coconut Grove 4th of July Bash Dinner
(In the Sonesta Hotel Lobby)
Food and drink specials all day
2889 Mc Farlane Rd
RSVP: (786) 343-6238

Heathrow Lounge Grand Opening
Complimentary cocktails from 11 to 12:30
Feat DJs Ruen, Midas and Doormouse
681 Washington Ave
RSVP: E-mail heathrowlounge@aol.com w/ name, e-mail, number and D.O.B.

Complimentary entry 'till 1 (must RSVP at above link)
Feat Stephen Luke, ESP, DJ Turk & David G.
1501 Collins Ave
Bottle RSVP: (305) 672-2221

Haha -- and if you don't feel like dressing up too much and just want to chill and do something that seems eh, we'll call it "interesting":

Served fresh all night!
Matt Cash, Plot, Sharpsound, Sweet Dick Vega, Stravinsky, Quita and Aramis
28 NE 14th St
(No need to RSVP here!)

I'm sick today, so I'll see all of you for Poplife at White Room tomorrow (hopefully). Love you guys!